The Root of my Contentment

It's amazing how the more time I devote to Christ the more I fall in-love with Him and notice that I CAN'T Live without Him. I've transitioned from the young lady who didn't need anyone because she was convinced she can do everything on her own to the young lady who didn't need anyone because she had her sweet King Jesus. Man, I just wanna cry because I wouldn't have thought I would make it to where I am now spiritually. I look back at all the past boyfriends or whatever they can be called and how I honestly thought I was in-love with them or truly loved them. I told them I loved them day after day out of expectancy. Well, he said it so it would be rude not to say it back right? Wrong. Now I tell Jesus I love Him and really mean it because He IS LOVE. I just thank Him for being the one to teach me how to love and show me what true love truly is.
Which brings me to the title of this post "The Root of my Contentment" which is Christ Jesus himself. In my season of singleness, I came from wondering if every God-fearing young man I came into contact with will be my future husband to truly being content with my portion which is Christ himself. It's gotten to a point that I prayed for the Lord to just let me fully go through this season and maximize the fruit I can bear because I'm not ready for it to end. I look at my ring finger at my promise ring to Christ understanding that it will one day be a wedding ring but I'm so content; that day can take it's time. I was so caught up on getting married it was ridiculous! After so many prayers of wanting my focus to be solely on Him, marriage is beautiful but Jesus is just so awesome lol. I'm not ready because I'm just really aware that no one on this earth can love me like my Father can. Plus, this season of singleness has been such a blessing I feel a little selfish thinking about the time that He's going to bring it to an end. I also searched my heart as to why my desire to marry has been more dull then I actually desired it to be and the Holy Spirit answered my question instantly. I have a strong fear of being as vulnerable as I am with Christ with any human being. Truth issues? Of course. But I just feel like it's deeper than that. I don't trust others yeah but still, I just can't imagine myself being extremely transparent with another human being. I've done it before but 3 special times that has me convinced me that it's nothing I should try to do again. The people that brought me to this conclusion have taken advantage of me, looked down on me, mistreated me or all the above. Either way, they all are no longer in my life. They have all brought great hurt into my heart and that's definitely not a place I want to ever go back to. I'm at a point in life that I'm like Yes Lord I understand that I trusted these individuals too much with my bare soul, being as transparent as possible, please don't tell me I'm going to have to do this again with someone else. People say they don't trust others but when I tell you I DO NOT TRUST human beings. I have a whole "I don't need you I have Jesus" perspective. It's good for a start but I feel as if sometimes it gets unhealthy because it brings me to have extremely low expectations for people which isn't fair. What if everyone around me had the lowest expectation for me that even something simple I do for them is such a surprise? I don't find any fairness in that. This is truly an area in my life and my heart that needs correction and I am praising You in advance for bringing me healing and strength in this area. Wooooooooooooo ! I had no idea this post would take such a turn when I started writing it. Shoutouts to the Holy Spirit lol. You the Man ! Let me remind you that Jesus loves you so much, He even sings songs of joy over you. Yes, a love so real it brings Him to SING. How amazing? I love you all in my own special Christ-like way too :-D -Queen Desiree